The 3 Amazing Life Changing Thoughts This Journey Has Taught Me

So the other day I read a really great blog post called "This Stage of Life? It's Hard" and it has got me thinking...A LOT. Take the 5 minutes to read that blog post and then come back to me. 

So that post got me thinking a couple things:
1. What the HECK did I do with my free time before kids? 
2. What happened to some of my friendships? 
3. Do things ever calm down? Will I ever go back to normal?

So let's break this down, shall we?

1. What the HECK did I do with my free time before kids? 
I still don't totally know the answer to this! But I do know that whatever I do, I do BIG. So pre-kids (also known as PK), I put all my time and energy (when I wasn't working) into what I called "projects." Some examples of projects PK were planing a wedding, building a home, decorating our new home, cleaning the pantry, decluttering, scrap booking, organizing my closet by color, cleaning the cabinets under the sinks, etc.

Now...now a lot of those "projects" are just things that are on my mind, on my to-do list and they either get started and never completed (like Riley's baby book that has 1 sentence written in it...she's 7 months old btw) or I do them and if I am honest with myself I do a crap job at them (like the time last month I "decluttered" a closet only to find a file folder full of bills and receipts that needed to be filed, I never filed them and they still just sit there waiting collecting dust. I should have just put them away when I was already decluttering..ugh...I'm getting annoyed at myself just writing this). And worst of all, now some of those "projects" just never happen, like ever. Scrapbooking...hahahaha in my dreams.

2. What happened to some of my friendships? 
I'm know I'm not the first woman this as happened to but motherhood has changed my friendships. And can I just say, IT SUCKS!!! People I was once so close to, no longer want to hang out with me. People I once could laugh with, we no longer have anything in common. People I once looked up to, I no longer look up to. People I once judged PK (pre-kids..remember?), I no longer judge after having kids. 

You get it. The list could go on. And it does.

I think I am the same, I think they are the same.
But we aren't the same. 

I wasn't the same the minute I pushed Landon out and they plopped him on my chest. I wasn't the same the minute I went back to work after 12 weeks. I wasn't the same when I did it all over again with Riley. I wasn't the same after battling postpartum depression and anxiety. 

I just am not the same. And sometimes I cry because of that. Sometimes I cry because what I used to think is funny, is no longer funny. Because I used to have more friends. Because I remember old times. Because I used to be a better partner/wife. Sometimes this all just makes me cry.

3. Do things ever calm down? Will I ever go back to normal?
Man do I long for the days where I could wake up at 9am and still be to work by 10am. Or the days where Eric and I would just be sitting around and one of us would say "lets go to a movie" or "lets go get a drink" and we could and we DID!! Or the one time we got drinks and bought a mattress drunk (I bet that sales guy just loved us lol) or the time we just drove to Disneyland on our day off, just because. 

Now..now everything requires planning. And I mean EVERYTHING. I go to bed every night and map out in my head my next day. What time I will wake, what workout I will do, what the kids will wear (well not Landon, he insists on dressing himself now which why most days he looks homeless), what I'll wear, what's on my work agenda, what I will eat for lunch, dinner, blah blah blah...

And surely I'm not alone in this...but every time I feel like we finally have the hang of it (IT being life with kids), then something changes. Most recently, I felt like I finally had the hang of  my morning routine with the kids and having enough time to workout while the kids played before daycare and then Riley got older and needed to start eating solids (how dare she get older and need food lol).  So now feeding her takes more time and I was struggling to get my workout in and get everyone to daycare on time. It may sound stupid, in fact, when I just read it back, it is stupid. And when I read it I thought "then just get up earlier you dumbass." But you see, it just isn't that simple. As a mom, I do so much for others and you know what? I don't want to get up earlier. Is that selfish?

I've shared this quite candidly on Instagram but I have been struggling with anxiety. So much so that I am on medication to help. Recently my prescription ran out and the only way I could get a refill is if I made a follow up appointment with my midwife. I thought to myself "you are doing great and feeling great, you don't need the pills." Well, that was a bad idea. Less than a week off my pills, I felt terrible. Anxious. Terribly anxious. Anxious about everything and nothing. At one point I was anxious about if I was going to be anxious that day. Ummm...not normal. So back to midwife I went. And I feel embarrassed and I feel like a loser and a failure and jealous, jealous of the women who don't go through this postpartum. Why do I have to be on meds?! 

But on the plus side of all of this has come these
3 AMAZING LIFE CHANGING THOUGHTS
1. My life may be busy but my heart is full and I am dedicated to making time for the people and things that are important.

Let me repeat that:
I AM DEDICATED TO MAKING TIME FOR THE PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME

Wow, what an amazing feeling. To know that I can MAKE TIME and that I don't have to let TIME CONSUME ME. 

2. I am not the same and it's o.k. In fact, it is more than o.k. It is exciting!
I am not the same Jess I used to be. I am more confident then I have ever been in my life. My smile is bigger than ever. And I am living my life more genuine than I ever have in my life. And I remember that just like marriages, friendships have seasons.  Friendships have ups and downs. True friends are the friends you cannot see in months or years and you get together and it just clicks again, you just get each other. I love that. 

3. If normal means having a loving husband and two children I get to tuck in to bed every night, I don't want to go back to my old normal
Sure the days of having little to no schedule were awesome but I remember during those days longing to be married, longing to have children, wondering if we could even have children and scared out of my mind we couldn't, longing for the life I live now. 

​This journey I've been on has taught me so much about myself, about my body and about my mental health. A good friend recently shared this with me "there are things that happen in your life that change the way your brain maps how to react. Medication can help your brain to remember the right way to get to the place you need to be. And it just can take some time to get back to that place."

I'm learning to give myself some grace. Some grace to get back to that place. Whatever that place is. In the meantime I am feeling stronger, physically and mentally every day and enjoying every step of this journey and I am so thankful to have some of you on this journey with me.

Feel free to comment below if any of this speaks to you, I love to hear from you all! 

If you are interested in starting your weight loss journey, check out this page! 

xoxo 
Jess